Marketing and Technology News

(A satire of tech user manuals)

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By RON COHN

The following are step by step instructions of how to wash a car. For simplicity this only covers a basic exterior car wash.

Supplies
• Hose (long enough to reach all sides of the car from the faucet), nozzle, bucket, liquid soap, large sponge or rag, large towel or two medium towels

Preparation
• Park the car in an area, preferably shaded, that has access to an outside faucet. Make sure that all of the windows and doors are completely closed. Don’t accidentally lock yourself out so make sure not to leave the keys in the car!
• Screw the nozzle onto the hose tightly, put the nozzle on the close setting, screw the hose tightly onto the faucet and turn the faucet on full. Water should not be escaping from the faucet or nozzle.
• Unwind the hose, walk over to the washing area and lay the hose down.
• Get the bucket, soap and sponge or rag. Pour about an ounce of soap into the bucket. Turn the nozzle onto the spray position and fill up the bucket. Don’t let the soapsuds overflow. Completely immerse the sponge or rag in the water. Now you are ready to start washing.

Wet Down
• Turn the nozzle on the full rinse position and thoroughly wet down the entire car. Try to get off as many tough dirt spots as possible. You may have to bring the nozzle very close up to get these spots, like bird droppings or around the wheel rims or hubcaps.
• Close the nozzle and set the hose down.

Soap Up
• Set the bucket by the car and take out the sponge or rag. Soap up the car in quick, large, circular, overlapping motions. Tough spots will require a harder, smaller circular motion using elbow grease until the dirt is off. I suggest doing one side at a time starting from the roof. Dip the sponge or rag in the bucket as often as needed. Work your way to the rear covering the rear window and trunk. Continue on the rear bumper making sure to cover the license plate. Now cover the side including the windows and side mirror. Don’t skip any areas. Finish up that side on the front hood and front bumper.
• Bring the bucket to the other side. Start on the other side of the roof and soap up this side in the same manner.
• Soap up each tire, hubcap or rims. You will have to work a little to get into the nooks and crannies of these areas. The entire car should be completely soaped up now.

Rinse Off
• Turn the nozzle on the full rinse position. Rinse off one side at a time starting from the roof. Work your way around the car in a similar manner to the soap up. Thoroughly rinse off all of the soap suds.
• Close the nozzle and set the hose down.

Dry
• Get the towel and start drying from the roof down. Use the same large sweeping, circular motions as the soap up. Work your way around the car quickly so you won’t get water spots. Don’t miss any areas. If the towel is too wet use a dry section or get the other towel. End up drying the hubcaps or rims.
• Your car should now be beautifully, shiny clean!!!

Cleanup
• Pour out the dirty water from the bucket. Turn the nozzle onto the spray position and rinse out the sponge or rag and the bucket.
• Turn the nozzle onto full rinse position. Rinse down the soap suds and dirt on the ground so the area is reasonable clean. Don’t get the car wet though. Close the nozzle.
• Pick up the hose and walk to the faucet. Turn the faucet off and roll up the hose.
• Put the sponge or rag and soap bottle in the bucket and put them away.

Congratulations, you have now successfully washed your car!

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(A satire written by Ron Cohn)

http://geoff-caplan.com, email geoffcaplan@mac.com

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